Every few months I or one of my friend declares that we’re “done with the dating apps.” The endless swiping can make people feel disposable and conversations on Tinder or Hinge often just die in the app.
Instead, we spend the next few weeks hopping from bar to bar, in an attempt to manifest the sort of meet-cute you only see on the CW.
This is exactly what you shouldn’t be doing, says Blaine Anderson, an Austin, Texas-based dating coach and founder of Dating by Blaine.
“Bars and clubs are bad places to meet people,” she says. “You have nothing in common with them besides the fact that you are in the same location.”
Other dating and relationship experts agree that bars tend to be the go-to venue for singles, but often don’t net meaningful connections. There are better ways to meet a potential partner, they say.
‘The bar is quite low for going to a bar’
Drinking is so engrained in American culture that two people being at the same bar probably doesn’t mean much, says Grace Lee, a New York City-based dating coach and founder of A Good First Date.
“Meeting people at a bar is probably the least-interesting common denominator,” she says. ‘What were the steps you needed to take to get where you are? You like to drink. Maybe you live in the area. And you have enough money to buy a drink. The bar is quite low for going to a bar.”
For most people, bars are a place to unwind, but they don’t reflect a pillar of their personality, says Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.
Singles engage in a less-than-sober conversation with a strange and then are surprised to learn they don’t have much in common outside of the cocktail lounge or that the connection doesn’t extend beyond that specific setting.
“If you’re showing up in bars but don’t want to build a life around substance use, you’re not going to meet someone you like,” Bobby says.
‘Dating, in general, is a numbers game on or off the apps’
There are more effective strategies that can result in your finding a match.
Start by puzzling together a schedule that reflects your values, interests, and passions, Bobby says.
“If you are living a life that you feel good about and you are putting yourself in those situations, you are going to meet people who are fundamentally fairly compatible with you,” she says.
If spending time outdoors is important to you, join a hiking group. If trying new cuisines is an experience you value, attend food festivals.
You also shouldn’t attend events or club meetings with the sole goal of meeting a romantic interest, says Lee.
“Let’s say you go to a lecture at the historical society about a certain topic you’re really interest in —everybody in that room is going to be important,” Lee says. “By making a connection with someone you are suddenly connected with their universe of people. You’re not there to meet ‘The One.’ You’re there to meet interesting people who you have a lot in common with. That could lead to something else.”
You’re not there to meet “The One.” You’re there to meet interesting people who you have a lot in common with.
This is how a majority of singles meet their match, according to a new survey by The Knot. Almost two-thirds, 62%, of couples met through a friend or had friends in common.
It’s also important to put yourself out there more than feels natural, Anderson says: “Dating, in general, is a numbers game on or off the apps.”
It’s also a waiting game, something we’ve become less accustomed to.
“So much of our lives have become very convenient,” she says. “We can press a button and food arrives at our door. Amazon delivers the next day. Everyone is used to instant gratification and they treat dating the same way.”
If you’re pursuing activities that reflect your core values and are open to meeting new people, you’re more likely to meet a match than if you just post up at your favorite dive bar — and less likely to re-download that dating app.
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